(Ianto is in a pub. A fruit machine cashes out)
MANDY: Yes, love, what can I get you?
JACK: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and… Ianto?
IANTO: Jack, uhm, what are you doing here?
JACK: Investigating missing people, suspected alien involvement, possible rift activity, what are you doing here?
IANTO: Uh, it’s my local. Fancy a pint?
(Opening theme)
(Noise and speech is slightly distorted - echoey. A gunshot)
IANTO: Because the thing is, I think I love you.
(Another gunshot)
IANTO: Is that okay? Is it okay that I think that? Is it okay that I love you?
(The sound of Lisa screaming)
IANTO: I mean, I think you like me. I think you do. You must do, we go out all the time. I mean, mostly just down the pub but we do go out.
JACK: Do it!
IANTO: Lisa? Please, say something.
JACK: She’s dead!
IANTO: Please, go on. Just say something. Anything.
JACK: She was dead the moment they got her.
IANTO: I mean, you’re here, aren’t you? You must like me. Or, love me, even. Should I stop talking? I talk too much.
JACK: She (gunshot) is (gunshot) dead. (another gunshot)
IANTO: Lisa, where’d you go? Lisa! Lisa, I love you. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. (gunshot) I love you, I love you, please come back. (gunshot) I can save you! (gunshot) You saved me. (gunshot) Jack, you bastard. (gunshot) You bastard. (more gunshots - Lisa screaming - continues through Ianto speaking) Lisa I love you! I love you!
(Ianto wakes up, breathing heavily)
MANDY: Alright, love?
IANTO: Uhm, yeah, I…
MANDY: What can I get you?
IANTO: I don’t know. I don’t know ‘cause I woke up. I just woke up and I needed milk, but I didn’t have any. I didn’t have milk. I’ve always got milk, ‘cause I’m really really good with shopping lists and things and I needed milk and- Oh, God. Sorry, this isn’t the shop. Sorry, I’m really sorry.
MANDY: Come on, let me smell your breath.
IANTO: What?
(Mandy sniffs)
MANDY: Well, you’re not drunk. But you are in a hell of a mess, aren’t you?
IANTO: I don’t- Sorry, sorry, I don’t know why I came in here.
MANDY: Well, most people come in here ‘cause they want a drink. Hold on.
(She pours him a drink)
MANDY: There you go, large whiskey. Go on. That one’s on the house.
IANTO: Thank you.
MANDY: Not seen you in here before.
IANTO: I… I don’t really go out much. Kind of busy with work. Or I was. I don’t- I don’t know anymore.
MANDY: Well, love, it’s quiet tonight, so if you want to talk, we can talk. Or you can just drink. Like it says on the wall in the gents, I’m easy. Name’s Mandy. What’s it to be?
IANTO: My girlfriend died. Sorry, I should have said that. She died yesterday. That’s why I didn’t get milk. Sorry, sorry about that. She died.
MANDY: Oh, God. Oh, sweetheart. Oh, I am so sorry.
IANTO: So, do you still want to talk?
MANDY: Honestly, no, but… oh, I think you might need to.
(Jack enters the Hub)
JACK: Gwen Cooper, how do you fancy grabbing ourselves a Weevi- oh.
IANTO: Sir?
JACK: Uh, no Gwen?
IANTO: She’s gone home.
JACK: Right. Owen, Tosh?
IANTO: They’re investigating something. They didn’t tell me.
JACK: Okay, right. So, just the two of us then?
IANTO: That’s right, sir.
JACK: Great! How are you feeling?
IANTO: Sir?
JACK: Well, you know, I mean, I know it’s been a few days and you know, after everything.
IANTO: I’m feeling fine, sir. After everything.
JACK: Great. I’m- look, Ianto, a weevil’s been spotted up on Garth Hill. You could come with me.
IANTO: I could?
JACK: Well, I was thinking, when was the last time you were in the SUV?
IANTO: When I cleaned it again this morning, sir.
JACK: Let’s do it, then.
IANTO: You want me to come with you?
JACK: Sure. Why not?
JACK: Look at it. God, I love this city. So, uh, Lisa. Uh, how did you two-
IANTO: With respect, sir, I’d rather not talk about it.
JACK: Understood. But you do understand-
IANTO: I understand you did what had to be done, yes, sir.
JACK: But I am sorry.
IANTO: Yes, sir. Could we just look for the weevil, please?
(The weevil makes a noise in the distance)
JACK: Come on.
(They run towards it)
IANTO: It’s seen us.
JACK: Or smelt us.
IANTO: So, what do we do?
JACK: Disable it. Anti-weevil spray. You distract it and I’ll- is that a stick? Are you gonna poke it with a stick? That is your distraction?
IANTO: I’m not gonna poke it. Come on!
(Ianto runs towards the weevil, hitting it with the stick)
JACK: Ianto! Ianto, stop! Stop now!
(He stops hitting the weevil)
IANTO: Weevil disabled, sir.
JACK: What was that about?
IANTO: I’ll see you back at the car.
MANDY: Bloody hell, love, what happened to your hands?
IANTO: Don’t worry, I can still hold a pint.
MANDY: Good job. Here you go.
IANTO: That was quick.
MANDY: Started pouring when you came in. You’re a regular now, Ianto.
IANTO: Oh.
MANDY: What?
IANTO: It’s just… my workmates, my boss, I don’t think they even- doesn’t matter.
MANDY: You don’t think they know what you drink? Well, to be fair, it is my job.
IANTO: I don’t think they know anything. I could sit here now and tell you exactly how each one of them has their coffee.
MANDY: Please, don’t feel you have to.
IANTO: Sorry.
MANDY: I’m joking. Okay, question.
IANTO: I am not telling you what I do.
MANDY: I know, I know. But right, you say they take no interest in you. You’ve got no friends, blah blah blah, but come on. Your girlfriend died and you’re telling me not one of them has tried to even talk to you.
IANTO: Oh, they’ve all tried at different times, but…
MANDY: But what?
IANTO: They don’t… I dunno, they just don’t know what it’s like.
MANDY: But they tried. So, is all this them? Or is it you?
IANTO: Jack, my boss, he tried tonight.
MANDY: That what happened to your hands? Oh, did you hit him?
IANTO: No. Something like that, but not that. No, actually, uh, he took me out on a… job.
MANDY: That you can’t tell me about, I know. Well, sounds to me like he’s making an effort.
IANTO: Yeah, I guess. Sorta got carried away, though. This, I just… I felt something. And he didn’t understand that. He didn’t get that it was good for me to just feel something.
MANDY: So, you try again. Now he took you out on this job, tomorrow you make the first move.
IANTO: You make it sound like we’re dating.
MANDY: Oh, that would be a real shame. Sorry, oh God, I’m only joking, love. You’re really not my type.
IANTO: Thanks.
MANDY: No, I just mean, you’re far too young. You know, Ianto, sometimes you’re not easy to talk to. And maybe, maybe you should make the first move. Show them that you- Oh, blimey, you downed that one quick. Ready for another?
IANTO: I’m always ready. Thanks, Mandy.
(Ianto is typing - a phone rings)
IANTO: Hello, can I ask who’s calling? Jack, phone!
JACK: Man, woman, or other?
IANTO: Estelle Cole? Says she’s an old friend.
JACK: Ah. Estelle, what can I do for you? Sure, I’d love to. Any excuse to catch up. See you there.
IANTO: Are you going out, sir?
JACK: Yep, I certainly am.
IANTO: It’s just, I was thinking I could co-
JACK: Gwen! Fancy meeting an old friend of mine?
IANTO: I’ll just tidy this up, then.
MANDY: So, you’re standing there right there and he takes this Gwen out with him? Well, maybe she was more suited to the mission.
IANTO: Well, he could’ve asked.
MANDY: Did you ask?
IANTO: I tried.
MANDY: Maybe not hard enough.
IANTO: Maybe.
MANDY: Maybe he fancies her. Maybe they’re having an affair.
IANTO: I think he’s gay. I dunno. I don’t care.
MANDY: Well, the best ones usually are. I had this mate at school, Davey, lovely hair.
IANTO: I thought we were talking about me.
MANDY: Ianto, when do we not talk about you?
IANTO: Point taken.
MANDY: See, this is it. You are thinking about Lisa, you are thinking about yourself. You need to get out there and you need to show this Jack that you need something in your life. And I’m saying this as a friend, not a barmaid. Too much of this isn’t the answer, but you’ll have another one.
(at the same time) IANTO: But I’ll have another one.
MANDY: Last one then home to bed. Tomorrow, show them you’re ready.
JACK: Owen, Gwen. Ianto?
IANTO: I’ve taken the liberty of choosing a weapon, sir, and I would appreciate it if you’d let me join you.
JACK: You don’t know where I’m going.
IANTO: A disturbance has been reported at the Millenium Centre.
JACK: Yeah, okay, sure. Sure, why not. I warn you, though. If it’s what I think it is, it is not gonna be pretty.
IANTO: Oh, I’m ready.
(He cocks a gun)
IANTO: Is that… are they possessed?
JACK: Roughly twenty members of the Welsh National Opera, yes.
IANTO: They’re just standing there.
(There is a noise - like something moving on a tile)
IANTO: What was that?
JACK: I don’t know. But point your gun up there and not at me.
IANTO: Sorry, sorry.
(That noise again, but with a sound like a woman laughing too)
IANTO: I can’t- I can’t see it.
JACK: We need to get the main lights on.
IANTO: I’ll go look for a switch. Should’ve brought a torch. Stupid, stupid. Sir, I’ve found it.
(There’s a loud noise and the laughing gets louder, attacking Jack)
IANTO: Oh, God! Sir! Sir, sir, stand still. What is it? What is it?
JACK: It’s a-
IANTO: A what? It looks like a puppet.
JACK: Good job I brought this, then.
IANTO: Is that a-?
JACK: Flamethrower. Like it?
IANTO: It’s a big one, sir. Ahh, there’s loads of them.
JACK: Come to daddy.
(He sets off the flamethrower and the puppets scream)
MANDY: Hello, stranger. How’d you get on?
IANTO: Well, I went with him.
MANDY: And?
IANTO: And I stood at the back while he did all the work.
MANDY: Oh.
IANTO: Yeah. But, it’s not all bad news.
MANDY: Oh?
IANTO: No, ‘cause when we got back to the H- office, I was energised, you know, I-I’d actually done something.
MANDY: Standing at the back?
IANTO: I switched on some lights, as well. No, but just getting out of there, you know, just-just doing something, it’s like there was suddenly- I felt like I could talk to him.
(Jack and Ianto enter the Hub)
IANTO: What were those things?
JACK: Let’s just say, they’ve tried before and they’ll try again. Thanks for the help, Ianto.
IANTO: Right. Well, I should, uh, go make coffee. Actually, I’ve got some new leaflets and they need sorting, so.
JACK: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Ianto, what was that all about back there?
IANTO: What, sir?
JACK: Well, you. Just standing in front of me. Ha, brandishing your weapon. Sorry, that was obvious, even for me.
IANTO: I didn’t like to say, sir.
JACK: So, come on. Why did you insist on coming with me? We-we don’t exactly, well, we’re not exactly close.
IANTO: It’s just… okay, it’s just… right. I had this life, sir. Back in London. Well, I had a life here, but I got away from it. And then I went to London and down in London I-I created this new life for myself. No family, none of those twats from school. I had friends. I had Lisa. Who loved me, and a flatmate, Soren, he was a nice bloke. I had friends at work, I had work. I had a life. And then, that-that day happened.
JACK: The Fall of Canary Wharf?
IANTO: Fall. That makes it sound so like- well, like a film. ‘The dramatic fall of Canary Wharf coming soon to a cinema screen near…’ It was a slaughterhouse. It wasn’t just Lisa, I lost so many friends. I lost my boss. Lost Yvonne.
JACK: Hartman? Oh, yeah, I had dealings with her.
IANTO: She wasn’t all bad. In fact, it was her that got me and Lisa together. She was just a person who enjoyed her job, and suddenly she was gone. And everyone, all of them, and Lisa. I lost everything that day, except for a tiny bit of Lisa. And that’s all I had.
JACK: Then you came back to Cardiff?
IANTO: And you know what happened next.
JACK: Yeah.
IANTO: And I had a new life here, looking after you lot, looking after Lisa, and then-
JACK: And then? What about now?
IANTO: Now? I make coffee, I tidy up after you, I go to bed, and then the next day I do it all over again. Coffee, tidying up, bed. Not that I sleep much.
JACK: Hey, it-it won’t always be like this.
IANTO: I know. I’ll get over it. I’ll get over losing my entire life. And I’ll get over losing Lisa. And I’ll get over knowing that two people died because of me, because I tried to keep her alive. But there’s nothing else. There’s nothing to replace.
JACK: So, you mean, what, sorry, you just wanna be, what, more involved? I mean, with Torchwood.
IANTO: Sir. Jack. There really is more to me than just making coffee.
JACK: Oh, Ianto, you idiot. You should’ve just said.
MANDY: Well, he’s got a point there. Why hadn’t you just said so? Idiot.
IANTO: I’ve never- I’ve never been good at saying things, and this thing with my girlfriend. And I’ve kept it secret for so long, it’s like-it’s like there’s two Iantos, right. There’s outside Ianto, all calm and sorted in his suit, and there’s-there’s inside Ianto who’s all rage and hormones and- I dunno.
MANDY: Well, you seem to be able to talk to me.
IANTO: You’re easy. To talk to.
MANDY: I’ll take that as a compliment.
IANTO: But, it-it’s not just that. I choose to come here and we drink and we have a laugh and that’s me doing something. Because I’m doing something, I feel able to talk. And that’s what I did today. I-I made a choice to do something and I felt able to talk to him.
MANDY: Sounds like things are picking up. Soon you won’t need my wise pearls of wisdom.
IANTO: I will always need your wise pearls of wisdom, Mandy. But not for a few days.
MANDY: Oh?
IANTO: We are going away. To the Brecon Beacons.
MANDY: Ohhh, oh, it’s lovely out there. You and your boss?
IANTO: Me and the whole team.
MANDY: That’s fantastic. Hey, maybe you should lose the suit.
IANTO: Maybe I will. Cheers.
MANDY: Cheers.
(A woman screaming, knives sharpening. Ianto sniffs, whimpering slightly. He fumbles through his drawer and finds what he wants - pills. He pours himself a glass of liquid and takes a pill)
IANTO: No.
(He dials the phone, crying, Mandy picks up)
MANDY: The Ferret, Mandy speaking. Hello?
IANTO: Mandy.
MANDY: Who’s that?
IANTO: Ianto.
MANDY: Alright, love? How’d you get on, how was your trip?
IANTO: I got these pills.
MANDY: Ianto?
IANTO: I-I-I can’t.
MANDY: Where are you? Tell me where you are.
IANTO: I’m at home. I can’t do this.
MANDY: What’s your address. You tell me what your address is right now.
IANTO: I’ll never be able to forget.
MANDY: I’ll be the judge of that. Now, tell me where you live, you tell me now, Ianto Jones. Tell me where you are (her voices echoes)
(The sound of a woman screaming and knives sharpening again)
MANDY: Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, it’s me. How many did you take?
IANTO: One. (he laughs) I took one. I haven’t even got the guts to kill myself.
MANDY: That doesn’t take guts, you bloody idiot. Look at me, are you telling me the truth? Look at me.
IANTO: I didn’t think anything could be worse than the Cybermen.
MANDY: What?
IANTO: I didn’t think anything could be worse than when they took Lisa. Oh, but what we saw. They were… people. It wasn’t just what they did, it was how they did it.
MANDY: Who? Who are you talking about?
IANTO: The woman. She pretended she was helping us. She didn’t need to. She was just toying with us. They all were. And that blade against my neck, and the smell.
MANDY: What smell? Ianto, what are you talking about?
IANTO: Blood, blood everywhere. Meat. Meat and blood and they were people and- (he starts sobbing)
MANDY: Oh, oh, come on, Ianto, it’ll be okay, it’ll be okay. Look, I’m here, sweetheart. That’s it. Oh, there you go. Oh, let it out. Oh.
IANTO: Uhm, Mandy?
MANDY: Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but I can’t do anything without a cup of tea inside me. You want one?
IANTO: What are you do- Oh, God.
MANDY: You called me. I see you’re wearing your suit again.
IANTO: Did I… what did I tell you?
MANDY: I didn’t understand a word of it, don’t worry.
IANTO: I shouldn’t have called you.
MANDY: I’m glad you did.
IANTO: I need to go to work.
MANDY: Really? You sure?
IANTO: I’ve got my suit on. I’m ready.
IANTO: Would you like that cataloguing, sir?
JACK: I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
IANTO: It’s goo, so under ‘g’. Where’d you find it?
JACK: In the brain of a poodle.
IANTO: A poodle, sir?
JACK: A poodle with crazy glowing eyes and a taste for human flesh.
IANTO: So, it’s alien. Alien goo.
JACK: I guess so. Those reports for me?
IANTO: Nothing too out of the ordinary. There’s, uhm, a few missing people.
JACK: Are you okay?
IANTO: I’m fine.
JACK: No dreams? Tosh said she’s having nightmares.
IANTO: I don’t sleep much, sir, to be honest. I either work or I pass out.
JACK: Ianto, if you ever need to talk…
IANTO: I better be getting on with this, uh, poodle goo.
IANTO: So, gonna ask me how things are?
MANDY: I’m guessing not good?
IANTO: Pretty much. Can I get another bag of onion rings?
MANDY: Where’s the sudden taste for these come from?
IANTO: I just… like the smell. Stop me smelling…
MANDY: Blood?
IANTO: Yeah.
MANDY: You are eating properly, aren’t you?
IANTO: I’m not really hungry. Stomach hurts.
MANDY: Oh, love. Back to work tomorrow?
IANTO: Back to work. Suited and smiling.
(The SUV goes speeding down the road)
JACK: Yeeehaawww!
IANTO: Sir! Maybe you should slow down! Ahhhhhhh.
JACK: Oh, come on, Ianto. You’re sounding like Gwen.
IANTO: I just think for a top secret organisation this might be a bit noticeable!
JACK: It’s an emergency. Come on! Woo!
(Ianto groans, the phone rings)
IANTO: Yes, Gwen? Hold on. It’s Gwen. Another missing person.
JACK: Tell her I’ll look into it when I get back.
IANTO: He says he’ll-
JACK: Come on, baby.
IANTO: She said she heard.
JACK: Excellent. And, here we are. You ready? Stop.
IANTO: I’m ready.
(They get out the car)
JACK: Molly, looking good, baby. Five cod and chips when you’re ready.
MANDY: See, now he doesn’t seem that bad to me.
IANTO: You don’t know what else he does. Yeah, he jokes and he flirts and he buys dinner, but he’s a monster.
MANDY: Oh, where did that come from?
IANTO: I’m just… yeah, he got us fish and chips. Do you know what he did tonight, though? He killed someone.
MANDY: What?
IANTO: Oh, damn. Shouldn’t have said that.
MANDY: Ianto, what happened?
IANTO: I’m just drunk.
MANDY: Ianto.
IANTO: Our job, it’s dangerous. It’s the woman that was bad, she was a killer. But he just… he just killed her. She was Tosh’s girlfriend, and she was a monster, but he never gave her a chance. He didn’t even try and find another way. And it’s not the first time. It just made me remember, and…
MANDY: You don’t mean…? Do you, Ianto? Did he kill…?
IANTO: Lisa.
MANDY: Oh, God.
IANTO: Ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything. I needed to do it. I can’t blame him. I can’t blame him for killing her. It’s his job, it’s just-
MANDY: Look, have you thought about leaving? It sounds like hell.
IANTO: I haven’t got anything else. I literally have nothing else in my life, just whatever scraps he throws me.
MANDY: Love, there is always something else. There is always a way out.
IANTO: Well, there is one way out.
MANDY: Don’t.
IANTO: It’s true, though.
MANDY: Don’t!
IANTO: It would sort everything, would fix everything. Maybe not pills this time.
MANDY: You do not talk like this.
IANTO: You saved my life and I kind of hate you for it. ‘Cause I’m thinking about it again and I feel stupid. There would’ve been a reason if I’d done it that night. What would be the reason now? Because I’m still missing Lisa, because I don’t really like my boss, because I’m a bit down some of the time.
MANDY: So, you don’t do it. It’s that simple.
IANTO: So what do I do? Tell me. ‘Cause I can’t think of anything. I’ve no friends, I don’t really get my family. I don’t even know what I think about my job.
MANDY: I just run a pub, I can’t change everything. But, have you maybe thought about going away?
IANTO: A holiday?
MANDY: Yeah, or–or moving abroad or something. Fresh start.
IANTO: There’d be no point. I’d still be me. I’d still be… sorry, I shouldn’t be putting this on you. I’ll see you later.
MANDY: No, stay. Have another drink.
IANTO: I’m knackered.
MANDY: Ianto, I am not letting you leave, not when you’re talking- not when you’re saying those things.
IANTO: Okay, just the one.
MANDY: I’ll be the judge of that.
IANTO: You can be like Jack. Judge, jury, and executioner. You’re right, though. Gotta find a way to get out of here.
MANDY: Where would you go?
IANTO: The centre of the sun would be nice. But no, somewhere far away from here. I just need to save some money and I am gone.
MANDY: Bloody money, hey. God, imagine living in a world without it. How brilliant would that be?
IANTO: You mean like the olden days? Swapping sheep for bread and stuff.
MANDY: Oh, it would be bliss, wouldn’t it? Have some ale, Ianto Jones, and I’ll take one of your finest pigs.
IANTO: Oi, why am I a pig farmer?
(Mandy laughs)
MANDY: But just think. What if there was a way to get away from everything and it didn’t need to cost you a thing?
IANTO: Not possible, is it? We get one life. Screw it up and that’s it, no second chances.
MANDY: Maybe. Right, just stay there and I’ll serve Mrs Grayson. Yes, love, what can I get you?
JACK: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and… Ianto?
IANTO: Jack, uhm, what are you doing here?
JACK: Investigating missing people, suspected alien involvement, possible rift activity, what are you doing here?
IANTO: Uh, it’s my local. Fancy a pint?
JACK: Yeah, water, please. You can bring it over, uhm, over here.
IANTO: Can I get another pint? And a glass of water.
MANDY: Is that him? Are you okay, ‘cause you are drunk.
IANTO: I’ll be fine. It’s you I’m worried about. Look, don’t say anything to him. Don’t even talk to him.
MANDY: Ianto-
IANTO: I’ve told you what our life is like, and you shouldn’t know that. I’ll talk to him, and I’ll go with him and investigate whatever it is needs investigating, just don’t get involved.
MANDY: Sorry, love, barrel needs changing, I’ll bring the drinks over.
IANTO: Mandy!
(Ianto walks over to Jack)
IANTO: She’s bringing them over.
JACK: So, this is, uh, your local? It’s, uh, very… rustic.
IANTO: I like it. So, why are you here? How’s Tosh?
JACK: W-we talked. She’s fine. But, this is about missing people. I found a connection.
IANTO: To this pub?
JACK: No, no, no, no, just to the area. Just to Radyr.
IANTO: Fine. But, can you please just try not to get anyone killed.
JACK: Oh, and by ‘anyone’, do you mean a certain barmaid? I would’ve thought she’s a bit old for you, but hey, I am impressed.
IANTO: I mean anyone.
JACK: Okay, okay, so, anyway, after you all left, I decided to do some digging around. I got all the missing people reports from the last 6 months and got Tosh back in to stick ‘em through some programme.
IANTO: That’s you doing digging around, is it?
JACK: That’s me delegating. And I’d figure it’d help take her mind off Mary.
IANTO: Okay, and what did she find?
JACK: To cut a long story short, there was a relatively high percentage of people from this area or people who had apparently visited this area in the weeks before they vanished.
IANTO: And you mentioned Rift activity?
JACK: Just… glimpses of it. Yeah, it might be nothing, but it’s got to be worth a… oh, here are the drinks.
MANDY: Sorry about that. A pint for Ianto and a glass of water. I’ll stick it on your tab.
IANTO: Thanks, Mandy.
JACK: Mandy! Hey, Captain Jack Harkness.
MANDY: Ianto’s boss.
JACK: Oh. He told you about me. About us?
MANDY: He won’t tell me what you do, no, but he’s mentioned you quite a bit.
JACK: Great! It’s nice to know I’m being talked about.
IANTO: I haven’t said anything about anything, Jack. Thank you, Mandy.
MANDY: You’re alright. I’m just nipping out for a fag if you need me.
IANTO: Right, thank you.
JACK: You told her about Torchwood?
IANTO: I haven’t said anything. Just… she’s a barmaid. She’s just someone I talk to. I haven’t said anything.
JACK: Well, she seems to know who I am.
IANTO: I’ve maybe mentioned you once, twice, but I haven’t said what we do.
JACK: It’s okay. It’s alright. And look, I’ve got some retcon on me.
IANTO: Jesus, Jack, she doesn’t need retconning. That’s your answer to everything. Retcon or kill. Will you just trust me on this.
JACK: I need some air.
IANTO: Jack.
JACK: Stay. Here.
IANTO: Yes, sir.
(Jack leaves)
IANTO: Bollocks to that.
(Ianto follows him)
JACK: Those things’ll kill you.
MANDY: That’s the plan, sweetheart.
JACK: Now, was it just me, or did I sense a tone in there?
MANDY: Oh, you’re cleverer than you look.
JACK: You shouldn’t judge by appearances.
MANDY: I don’t. But let’s just say I’ve heard a few things about you.
JACK: Not all good, I’m guessing.
MANDY: Ianto’s a nice man. And I don’t think you’re good for him.
JACK: Oh. To be honest, I don’t really care what you think.
MANDY: To be honest, I don’t think it’ll matter one way or the other soon.
JACK: And why’s that?
MANDY: I don’t think he’s going to be hanging around for much longer. I think he’s had enough. He needs a break.
JACK: I’m sorry, but who exactly are you?
MANDY: Oh, I’m just a barmaid. But I know he still misses his girlfriend. I know what he drinks. I know he’s tried bloody hard to impress you, when in fact I get the impression he’s spent most of his life trying to impress people. And I know on the outside he seems fine, but on the inside he’s in absolute agony. I know what he tried to do on the night you came back- I know. I absolutely know that he absolutely needs to get away from you.
JACK: Right. Well, I think it’s up to Ianto, don’t you?
MANDY: Yeah. But I know your type, love. You get in people’s heads, you mess with them. Well not anymore, it stops tonight. Maybe you’d like to buy him a drink before you go.
MANDY: Oh, hello. Where’d you get to?
IANTO: Uh, just needed the loo.
MANDY: You want another pint?
IANTO: Go on.
JACK: Ianto. Over here.
IANTO: Could you-
MANDY: I’ll bring them over, love.
IANTO: Yes, sir?
JACK: Sit down. I don’t like her. There’s something dangerous about her.
IANTO: I imagine she’d say the same about you.
JACK: She wants you to leave Torchwood.
IANTO: I know.
JACK: You were eavesdropping on us?
IANTO: Of course. Plus, she mentioned it earlier.
JACK: Ianto, what is going on? I thought things were fine.
IANTO: After everything I’ve seen, you really think things could ever be fine?
JACK: Then talk to me. Or Gwen.
IANTO: Or we could just get on with what you came here to do.
JACK: The missing people.
IANTO: It’s why you came here, isn’t it?
JACK: Fine. So basically, yes, lots of people have gone missing and there’s some connection to this area. Are they being taken by the Rift, by aliens?
IANTO: Or are they leaving of their own accord?
JACK: What?
IANTO: Julia Collins, 36, teacher. Up to her eyes in debt, disappeared a week ago after last being spotted by the Weir here in Radyr. Thomas Phillips, 22, unemployed heroin addict. Disappeared just over a fortnight ago, lived on the street behind me, here in Radyr. Bobby Darlington, 47, grieving widower. Disappeared a month ago, his car was found outside the Co-op here in Radyr. Sally-
JACK: Okay, okay, you want to tell me what’s going on here?
IANTO: I didn’t need Tosh’s computer, sir. Oh, and by the way, she might not want her mind taking off Mary. But, yeah, I did it the old fashioned way. Every night for the past few weeks before coming here, I’ve been going through the files and I’ve found 15 people who have gone missing from this area, who could’ve very easily chosen to go missing.
JACK: You think they just, what, offed themselves?
IANTO: No, sir. What I think is that they might’ve been offered something even better than death.
JACK: Better than death? Ianto?
IANTO: What if there were a way you could escape everything? What if you had the chance of a new life? What, Jack, if you were feeling utterly broken? And somebody- what if someone was giving you the chance for a break. A break from being broken.
JACK: Explain. Oh. Look who’s back.
IANTO: What?
MANDY: And here’s your drinks. You getting these, Jack?
IANTO: Don’t you dare say that about her.
JACK: What?
IANTO: I said, take it back!
(Ianto punches Jack)
JACK: What the hell are you doing?
MANDY: Ianto!
IANTO: He was slagging you off.
MANDY: Right, Jack, get out.
JACK: Ianto!
IANTO: Mandy, I’ve got this. Come on!
JACK: What the- get the hell off me! Punching and dragging, come on, did I miss us agreeing on a safe word?
IANTO: I need you to go. Let me deal with it.
JACK: Deal with what?
IANTO: It’s her. It’s Mandy. ‘Cause of course nobody could just be nice. Nobody in our world could actually just be nice. It’s Mandy. She started to suggest it tonight, and I knew. I guessed, or… I knew it was coming. The missing people. The friendly barmaid. Tell her your problems and she’ll make them go away.
JACK: It’s her? But, she’s-
IANTO: Much smarter than she looks. And she might actually be doing a good thing.
JACK: When are they ever doing a good thing?
IANTO: She saved my life. So, I’m giving her a chance.
JACK: Saved your life?
IANTO: There’s more to me than just making coffee. You’re not killing this one, Jack. Stay out here and I’ll call you if I need backup.
JACK: But-
IANTO: Stay.
MANDY: You alright?
IANTO: You were right, he’s bad news.
MANDY: Want another drink? On the house.
IANTO: You always say the right thing, don’t you?
MANDY: I can do more than that.
(Mandy walks away and rings the bell)
MANDY: Last orders! Don’t go anywhere.
(Mandy walks away)
IANTO: Where would I go?
MANDY: Night, girls. And that’s everyone. You ready?
IANTO: I’m always ready.
MANDY: I warn you now, it’s a bit weird, but don’t freak out, okay?
IANTO: I’ll try not to.
MANDY: Look, are you sure about this, love?
IANTO: I don’t know what ‘this’ is. What’s the alternative?
MANDY: You’d better come with me, then.
IANTO: Where are we going?
MANDY: Down to the cellar.
IANTO: You sure this isn’t just an excuse to get me alone?
MANDY: You’re already alone. You alright?
IANTO: Yeah. Just not keen on, uh, dark, spooky rooms and all that.
MANDY: It won’t be dark for much longer. Okay, Ianto, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine.
IANTO: Okay.
MANDY: You just need to know he, or she, I don’t know really, uhm, well, they’re an alien.
IANTO: You mean, like, from space?
MANDY: Yep.
IANTO: Whoaaaaa.
MANDY: God’s truth, no joke. Ianto, I want you to meet…
IANTO: Jesus.
MANDY: You’re not far off. Ianto, meet the Saviour.
IANTO: Uh, hi.
SAVIOUR: Good evening, Ianto Jones.
JACK: Oh, come on, come on, pick up, pick the- Gwen, hey! I need you to do me a favour. Get back to the Hub and find out everything you can about The Ferret pub in Radyr. Tosh is already there, she’s busy. Look, just get your ass to the Hub and get me that info!
(He hangs up the phone)
JACK: Oh, Ianto Jones, what has Torchwood done to you?
IANTO: Should I- can I ask how you know my name? You’re not psychic, are you?
MANDY: No, sweetheart. I’ve been telling him all about you.
SAVIOUR: She has told me about your pain. I want to save you.
IANTO: Hence the name, right. So, how’re you gonna do that, then?
SAVIOUR: I can take you away from here. I can take you to Heaven.
IANTO: Doesn’t that involve dying? I thought this was an alternative to dying.
SAVIOUR: No, better than death. Better than pain. Better than life you hate. A whole new world.
MANDY: Oh, sorry, I always laugh when he says that. Makes me think of Aladdin. Right, basically, Ianto, the Saviour here has, uh, well, it’s like a portal. And he can send you anywhere in the universe, even back in time! You could go back to the olden days. He always suggests the planet Heaven, though. It’s a real place apparently! Who knew?
IANTO: A portal?
SAVIOUR: I will show you.
(He clicks some buttons and shows Ianto the portal)
SAVIOUR: Behold, the entrance to the Rift.
MANDY: It’s just a load of swirly stuff, but it can take you anywhere.
IANTO: Anywhere?
SAVIOUR: Any planet in the universe, or any moment in Earth’s history. You can escape your life. You can live again.
IANTO: That sounds… nice.
MANDY: We’ve saved loads of people, haven’t we?
SAVIOUR: We have. And now, our newest child will be reborn.
IANTO: I’ve just one question. What’s in it for you?
SAVIOUR: I do not understand.
MANDY: Oh, he doesn’t want money or anything. He just… does this. It’s like me being a barmaid, I guess. It’s just his job.
SAVIOUR: It is my… function. I am here to save.
IANTO: Thing is, I kinda know what the Rift is. It’s pretty much my job. I work for Torchwood.
MANDY: Oh.
IANTO: Yeah.
MANDY: Oh.
IANTO: And things that come through it. Well I find it hard to trust, well, anyone really.
MANDY: I’m not gonna lie, it’s maybe not perfect. Or easy. But isn’t it better than what you’ve got? I mean, the way I see it, you’ve two choices: live your life as it is or die. And here there’s a third choice. Live a new life.
IANTO: Just leave it all behind.
JACK: Except you won’t be. Hi all, sorry for barging in. You won’t be leaving it all behind, Ianto, because you’ll still be you. Hello, who’s this?
SAVIOUR: I am the Saviour.
JACK: That’s funny. Because the last time I saw one of you lot, you were up in front of the Shadow Proclamation charged with the trading of sentient beings as slaves.
IANTO: I told you to wait outside.
JACK: And it’s a good thing I didn’t. You were starting to believe him.
IANTO: What?
JACK: I can see it in your eyes.
MANDY: What can you see, Jack?
JACK: Hope. Hope in his eyes for the first time since the day before Lisa died.
MANDY: The day before you killed her.
JACK: Oh, you really did tell her everything, didn’t you?
MANDY: Ianto, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Look, look through the portal.
IANTO: What is that?
SAVIOUR: It is Heaven.
IANTO: It’s beautiful.
JACK: It is. And I can guarantee it’s not where the portal leads. And, yeah, over here, oh, control panel!
SAVIOUR: Leave it.
JACK: Careful, you don’t wanna lose your little angelic image.
(Jack clicks some buttons on the control panel)
JACK: And… there.
(The portals image changes)
IANTO: What’s that? What is that place?
JACK: That’s where you’d really be going.
IANTO: Mandy, you might wanna get out of here.
MANDY: What?
JACK: Your Saviour is a slave trader.
MANDY: Oh. Right, yeah, okay, sorry, but I did actually know that.
IANTO: What?
MANDY: It’s still better than your old life, and I needed the money. I needed to fix up this place and he just popped up and that was it, problem solved.
IANTO: You’d have let me go there? To that hell? You’ve sent… people there?
MANDY: I’m just trying to get by. I’m just doing my job, tryna keep this pub going. I’m sorry, alright? But it’s still better than killing yourself.
IANTO: Don’t try and justify this.
MANDY: If there was any other way I could help you, I would, but I’m just a barmaid.
JACK: A barmaid with an alien in the cellar. A barmaid who-
(The Saviour grabs Jack and starts strangling him)
SAVIOUR: You’ll be the first to visit Heaven. Ianto will be the next.
JACK: Ianto, a bit of help. Love a bit of strangling, but not like this.
MANDY: Ianto! Oh, I’m sorry, will you forgive me? You’ll forgive me won’t you, Ianto? Ianto, Ianto, what is it?
JACK: Get it off of me!
MANDY: Why are you just staring?
SAVIOUR: Your Earth life is over. It is time to start anew.
JACK: Ianto.
(Ianto points a gun at the Saviour)
IANTO: Stop.
MANDY: You’ve got a gun. What kind of nutter are you?
IANTO: I said stop!
(He fires)
IANTO: You’re all monsters. The whole world is broken. And either I’m the only one who can see it, or… oh, God.
MANDY: Ianto…
IANTO: Shut up! Just shut up! Nobody move! (he starts to cry) I-I-I’ve gotta get away. I’ve gotta get away from all this. I need it all to stop. I need to be somewhere else. I need to be… Oh, God. I want my mum. I just-
(Jack is still being strangled)
JACK: Ianto, please!
IANTO: You’re the one! You’re the worst! You killed her! You killed Lisa! You killed Mary. You’ve killed so many and you put us through hell and all you do is smile. Oh, God. It’s today. Today is the day. I told you, didn’t I? I told you it would happen. I told you that one day I would have the chance to save you and I’d watch you suffer and die.
JACK: You can’t!
IANTO: I can. I absolutely bloody well can.
JACK: No!
IANTO: Saviour, do it.
(Jack screams as he is sent through the portal)
IANTO: He’s gone. He’s finally gone.
SAVIOUR: And now, it is your turn.
IANTO: One step closer and I’ll blow your brains out. Goodbye, Mandy. You’ve really opened my eyes. I thought I was the messed up one. Turns out, it’s everyone else.
IANTO: I did it. I did it. It’s all over. I got my second chance.
(His phones ring)
IANTO: Ugh. No, I can’t speak to you. Just go away.
(His phone stops ringing)
IANTO: Thank you.
(His phone rings again)
IANTO: Oh, God.
(He answers the phone)
IANTO: Yes.
GLENDA: Oh, well, that’s nice. Hello to you, too.
IANTO: Mum. What do you want?
GLENDA: Well, I emailed you and I sent you a text to tell you I emailed you. And I left you a voicemail and I even popped round.
IANTO: Mum, mum, I’ve been busy. I really can’t talk right now.
GLENDA: I bet you never even listened to the voicemail, did you?
IANTO: It was six minutes long. I’ve- I’ve got a job, you know.
GLENDA: Okay, okay, fine. All I wanna know is what you’re doing for Christmas because Rhiannon isn’t coming to mine now. Can you believe it, she wants Christmas with Jonathan and the children. I mean, it’s not like he has a job. Everyday’s Christmas with him.
IANTO: I- Christmas is ages away. I haven’t even thought about it.
GLENDA: It’s not that far off. And you still haven’t sent me your list.
IANTO: List?
GLENDA: Of what- what- oh, what do you call them, you know, the three detectives, those boys, the three investigators. I don’t want to get you any you’ve already got.
IANTO: I- I’ll think about it.
GLENDA: Well, that would be nice, if you wouldn’t mind. Uh, now, uh, look, I wonder… look, I know you’re busy, but, uhm, I don’t suppose you fancy coming round for your tea tomorrow? Uhm, it’s just, well, I, oh, bugger it.
IANTO: Mum? What is it?
GLENDA: I just- look, it’s nothing, but I, well, I saw Doctor Sing yesterday.
IANTO: What?
GLENDA: Now, don’t you be panicking. And I’ve not told your sister because she’d be round here all the bloody time.
IANTO: But you’re annoyed she’s not coming for Christmas?
GLENDA: Don’t get smart with me, my boy. You there?
IANTO: Yeah. I mean, I’m sure it’s nothing.
GLENDA: Of course it is. Your dad, you know, that was different. It’s just routine. It’s a lump, that’s all. I mean, I’ve never even smoked, it must be- it must be your bloody sister’s cooking, she’d never even heard of margarine.
IANTO: Oh, God.
GLENDA: Ianto, I’m fine. I promise you, I’m fine. Are you okay?
IANTO: I’m… fine. I promise you, I’m fine.
GLENDA: Good. So, how about tea tomorrow? I’ll get some cakes.
IANTO: I wasn’t gonna be here.
GLENDA: A works thing?
IANTO: Sort of.
GLENDA: Well, don’t worry about it, come and see me when you get back. I’m not going anywhere.
IANTO: I’ve gotta go.
GLENDA: Well, Ianto, please don’t be worrying your head, now.
IANTO: Mum, I’ve really gotta go.
GLENDA: Okay, but will you let-
(He hangs up the phone)
IANTO: Oh, God. What have I done?
(He runs back towards the Ferret and goes down to the cellar)
SAVIOUR: You have returned.
MANDY: Ianto, what’re you doing here?
IANTO: Mandy, you’ve a choice. You stay here and die or you leave Cardiff now.
MANDY: What?
IANTO: I killed Lisa, not Jack. I killed her the moment I brought her to Cardiff. And I will kill you unless you leave now.
SAVIOUR: You will stay.
IANTO: Oh, and don’t think I won’t shoot you. Thing is, I think Mandy’s completely messed up but I don’t think she’s evil. I think there’s the tiniest chance that she might make it. ‘Cause she’s like me. Mandy, listen. You weren’t always pretending. You saved my life. And it wasn’t just so you could bring me here. You’ve done a terrible thing, I’ve done terrible things, but there’s always hope. There’s always someone out there looking out for us. There’s someone out there who needs you in their life. And I’m the one looking out for you now.
MANDY: Oh, I’m-I’m-
IANTO: You’re sorry, I know. Now, get out of here. And if I ever see you in Cardiff again, I will kill you, that’s a promise.
MANDY: Oh, thank you.
IANTO: And you. Operate the portal now.
SAVIOUR: How do you know your bullets will hurt me? Did you think of tha-
(Ianto shoots the Saviour and they scream out in pain)
IANTO: Well, they make your arm bleed, so open the bloody portal.
(The Saviour opens up the portal)
IANTO: Go on. Through you go.
SAVIOUR: You will suffer for this.
IANTO: I’ve spent my whole life suffering, and I’m the only one who can stop it. Now, step through the portal.
(The Saviour steps through)
IANTO: Okay, here goooooooooooes.
(Ianto also steps through the portal)
IANTO: Bloody hell.
SAVIOUR: Welcome, Ianto.
IANTO: Where’s Jack? Where is he?
SAVIOUR: He is being processed.
IANTO: Take me to him. Now.
SAVIOUR: Follow me.
(We hear Jack’s muffled screams)
IANTO: Jack? Jack! I’ve come for you! Where is he?
SAVIOUR: Through those doors. They will be testing his… abilities.
IANTO: Get moving.
(They open the doors and Jack’s screams become less muffled. We hear electricity being tested on him)
SAVIOUR: The system is automated. You are quite safe.
JACK: I don’t think he is.
IANTO: Switch it off now.
SAVIOUR: Very well.
(They turn off the electricity)
IANTO: I’m sorry. Oh, God, I’m so sorry. Sorry, I’m sorry. Jack. Jack! He’s not breathing. You killed him!
SAVIOUR: To be fair, you sent him here.
IANTO: Training. Training, come on.
(He starts CPR)
IANTO: One, two, three. Oh, God, I don’t know how many. Jack!
(He gives mouth-to-mouth)
IANTO: Oh, God, please.
(He gives mouth-to-mouth again and Jack gasps, coming back to life)
IANTO: Jack. Jack, look at me. Oh, God, it worked.
JACK: W-w-were you kiss-kissing me?
IANTO: I just- I think I just saved your life.
JACK: Yeah. Actually, that was some kiss.
IANTO: That wasn’t a- I am so sorry.
JACK: Oh, let’s just get out of here.
SAVIOUR: You will no-
(Ianto shoots the Saviour)
IANTO: You’ll live. Let’s go.
IANTO: Oh, God. That was an alien world. I was on another planet. I’ve only been and gone on another planet.
JACK: Where’s Mandy?
IANTO: I’ve given her a second chance. Jack, I’d like a second chance. Please.
JACK: I’m parked around the corner. You’ve five minutes. You come with me, face the consequences, or you run.
(Jack walks off. Ianto dials his phone)
GLENDA: Hello?
IANTO: I’m sorry.
GLENDA: For hanging up on me? You better be bloody sorry and all. Ianto, are you alright? It’s not about this lump thing, is it?
IANTO: It’s… I’m fine now, honestly.
GLENDA: You haven’t been thinking about… doing anything, you know, like after Lisa?
IANTO: No. Not anymore.
GLENDA: You know I couldn’t bare it. And I know that’s not a reason to stay, you know, I shouldn’t be the reason, but-
IANTO: Honestly, I’m fine. And I’m here for you. Let me be here for you now.
GLENDA: Okay. We’ll say no more about it. So, you’ll be round for your tea then? Don’t arrive at 7 though because I’ll be watching Emmerdale.
IANTO: I won’t. I’ll be there before. I’ll watch it with you.
GLENDA: Oh, that’d be nice.
IANTO: Yeah, it would.
GLENDA: So, I’ll see you around 6?
IANTO: Yeah. Love you.
GLENDA: Bloody hell. Long time since you said that.
IANTO: Long time since I’ve… felt. I’ll see you tomorrow.
GLENDA: Love you, bye.
JACK: Time’s up.
(Ianto gets in the car)
IANTO: Sorry, I’m sorry. Jack?
JACK: So.
IANTO: So.
JACK: You wanna tell me what that was all about.
IANTO: I don’t think I know. I don’t- I’m broken and I just have to deal with it.
JACK: Ianto, we’re all broken. Every single person on this planet is broken. We’re all just dealing with it.
IANTO: You’re not though, are you?
JACK: What?
IANTO: The way you are, Jack. Do you feel anything?
JACK: Do you really think I don’t?
IANTO: But you’re so bloody… cocky.
JACK: Yeah, and you wear a suit and don’t think I don’t know why. You don’t need a suit to make coffee.
IANTO: What’re you gonna do to me? I left you to die.
JACK: Yeah, it’s not the first time a friend’s done that.
IANTO: Friend?
JACK: Don’t make me say it.
IANTO: Please, say it.
JACK: You’re my friend. You’re not just my employee. And you keep lying to me and you just nearly killed me and, you know, just occasionally your coffee isn’t as good as we say it is, but you’re still-
IANTO: Stop the car!
JACK: What? W-what is it?
IANTO: My. Coffee.
JACK: Okay, okay, calm down. Obviously most of the time it is fantastic, but jist occasionally it’s not your best work.
IANTO: Oh.
JACK: Ianto, you are my friend. No matter what you do, I’m here for you.
IANTO: I’ve-I’ve been in so much pain. Everything hurts.
JACK: I know, I know, I know, and I would do anything in the world to take that pain away.
IANTO: Kiss me.
JACK: What did you just say?
IANTO: You could kiss me, I mean, only if you wanted to.
JACK: What?
IANTO: I’m more complicated than you might think, sir.
JACK: Well, I-
(They kiss)
JACK: You kissed me.
IANTO: I did. And you kissed me back.
JACK: Yeah, but this, uh, oh, relationships at work are never a good idea.
IANTO: Who said anything about a relationship? We’re both screwed up. Maybe this is what we need.
JACK: Maybe. But just this once, yeah?
IANTO: Just this once.
JACK: Tomorrow we go back to whatever passes for normal in our lives.
IANTO: Tomorrow.